Worried About a Friends
Drinking or Drug Use?
It's difficult to know when to say something when you're
worried about a friend's drug or alcohol use. ask yourself.
How does it affect you?
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Have you lost time from classes, studying, or a job in
order to help your friend cope with problems caused by
her drinking or drug use?
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Is your friend's drinking or drug use making you unhappy
in any aspect of your life?
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Is your friend's behavior affecting your reputation in a
way you don't like?
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Have you ever felt embarrassed or hurt by something he
said or did while intoxicated? Have there been outbursts
of anger or irritability?
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Have you ever had to take care of your friend because of
her alcohol or drug use?
How does it affect your friend?
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Does your friend drink in order to get drunk?
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Does your friend drink or use drugs in an environment
that you would rather avoid? Has there been a change in
your friend's peer group?
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Is your friend doing dangerous things because of drugs
or alcohol?
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Has your friend ever wanted to cut down on drinking or
drug use?
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Does your friend slam drinks?
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Does your friend ever drink to steady his nerves or to
get rid of a hangover?
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Has your friend ever been in trouble because of drinking
or drug use?
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Does your friend find it necessary to drink or get high
in order to enjoy a party?
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Are drugs or alcohol affecting your friend's academic
performance?
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Does your friend drink to escape from or to cope with
problems or stress? Does she use drugs or alcohol to
avoid painful feelings?
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Has your friend ever been unable to remember things she
said or did while drinking ?
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Has your friend ever had a frightening experience with
drugs but continued to use?
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Is your friend annoyed when people criticize his
drinking?
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Has your friend ever received medical care for something
related to drinking or drug use? Have you noticed a
decline in personal health or appearance?
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Does anyone in your friend's family drink to excess
regularly? Do any close relatives have a drinking or
drug problem?
The more times you answer yes, and the more frequently each
factor is true, the more likely it is that your friend has a
problem. A caring conversation can help your friend learn
about how his or her behavior affects others and can help
your friend get the help she/he needs.
Remember, needing help is not the same as being an alcoholic
or an addict. Uncontrolled alcohol or drug use is not the
only sign that someone needs help. Many people can stop
whenever they choose, even for long periods of time. The
important question is what happens to them when they drink
or use drugs. Do they do things they regret later: get in
fights, destroy property, drive under the influence, or have
unplanned or unwanted sex?
There are many ways to help someone who's having trouble
with alcohol or drugs. Some people just need the wake up
call of your honest opinion; others can benefit from
professional help to make changes in their behavior. Still
others need professional help to maintain complete
abstinence through rehabilitation programs and/or recovery
programs. At Brown there's help to know which one is right
for your friend.
Before you talk to your friend
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Learn about drug and alcohol abuse.
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Prepare a list of specific problems that have occurred
because of your friend's drinking or drug use. Keep
these items as concrete as possible. "You're so
antisocial when you drink" will not mean as much as,
"When you were drunk, you made fun of me and were mean
to me. You hurt me." Bring the list with you and keep
the conversation focused.
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Choose a private location where you can talk without
embarrassment or interruption. Your friend is more
likely to hear you in a restaurant booth than at a large
table in the Ratty. A talk in your room with the TV and
stereo off will be more successful than one in your
friend's room where he can easily create distractions
while you talk.
-
Feeling nervous about talking to your friend? Click to
read
success stories from college
students.
How to talk to your friend
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Talk to your friend when she is sober. The sooner you
can arrange this after a bad episode, the better. Your
message will have more impact while your friend is hung
over than it will three days later.
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Restrict your comments to what you feel and what you
have experienced of your friend's behavior. Express
statements that cannot be disputed. Remarks like,
"Everyone's disgusted with you," or, "Lily thinks you
have a real problem," will probably lead to arguments
about Lily's problems or who 'everyone' is. Avoid such
generalizations.
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Convey your concern for your friend's well being with
specific statements. "I want to talk to you because I am
worried about you," or "Our friendship means a lot to
me. I don't like to see what's been happening."
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It is important to openly discuss the negative
consequences of your friend's drinking or drug use. Use
concrete examples from your list. "At the party I was
left standing there while you threw up. The next day you
were too hung over to write your paper. It makes me sad
that these things are happening in your life."
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Emphasize the difference between sober behavior that you
like and drinking behavior that you dislike. "You have
the most wonderful sense of humor, but when you drink it
turns into cruel sarcasm and you're not funny any more.
You're mean."
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Be sure to distinguish between the person and the
behavior. "I think you're a great person, but the more
marijuana you smoke, the less you seem to care about
anything."
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Encourage your friend to consult with a professional to
talk about his/her alcohol problem. Give them the
resources listed below. You can offer to find out more
about the resources or go with them to an appointment.
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Talk to people you trust (other friends or relatives)
about your concerns. Their involvement may help.
What NOT to do
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Don't accuse or argue. If your friend gets angry or
provokes you, remind yourself to remain calm and to stay
focused on your goal -- to be helpful by honestly
expressing your concerns. "I understand that you don't
like some things I do, either; we can talk about them
later. My point now is that when you drink, I feel hurt
by the things you do."
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Don't lecture or moralize. Remain factual, listen, and
be nonjudgmental. Remarks like, "You've been acting like
a slut," will only elicit defensive anger. Instead say,
"You've been going out with people you don't like and
doing things you regret the next day."
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Don't give up. If your friend seems resistant, you can
bring it up later or let them know you're there for them
if they ever want to talk.
Resources at UMass Boston
Confidential appointments for drug or alcohol concerns is
available through University Health Services Health
Education and Wellness Program. To make an appointment
call Linda Jorgensen at 617-287-5680 or by email at
linda.jorgensen@umb.edu
